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6.27.2008

Sitting at 35k Feet


Wow. I'm not sure I can even introduce this but simply so you know the context of why I am posting this Jordan and I have a tradition of sending interesting emails to each other from the air. I have never laughed so hard in my entire life. First off, I had recorded a video to post of my adventure to Dallas...but NOTHING is worth replacing before this. Please read below.

So there I "sit", tapping my foot, thinking about happy things as the plane gently sways left to right under me. I'm in the back of the plane, at the lavatory that is in the middle of the crew area. I can hear the slight cackle of the ladies voices through the thin walls. I'm happy, enjoying my cheap coffee buzz. Then, without beeping, buzzing or any other warning; the toilet flushes. Now, I'm not sure if you've watched an airplane toilet flush recently, but essentially that ever to pleasantly smelling blue liquid goes swishing throughout the toilet at a rather high velocity. The lavatory engineers have aimed and adjusted these 'jets' of blue swishing liquid perfectly so that when the toilet lid is up, no blue liquid is lost as it all remains perfectly inside the toilet.......but what I don't think they though about, was what happens when it flushes and someone, particularly a 'larger' than normal man, is 'sitting' on the toilet.

I can honestly say, for a good 2-3 seconds, I thought my life was over. As the thirsty lavatory roared, it sounded like a 4th jet engine was beneath me all while a firehouse of blue liquid shot DIRECTLY at my man-hood. After it was over, I went immediately in the damage assessment mode. First, am I alive? Check. Is the plane still in the air? I believe so - check. ARE MY BALLS STILL ATTACHED? As I lean back to take a peak down south, what I saw will forever haunt me. It looked as if someone had thrown a smurf in a blender and then shot it at my genitalia in a rotating, swirling fashion. "OH MY GOD" was my first thought. My second thought, oddly enough, was me in court, suing Boeing and American Airlines. I saw myself in the witness stand, explaining what happened, talking in a very high pitched, squeaking voice.

After I came back to harsh reality, I migrated from damage assessment mode, to damage mitigation and clean up mode. (Thank you Nashville OEM for my emergency response training.) (Note: this is when I took the picture.)

Do I stand up? No, that would involve the spreading of blue slime around and possibly drip on to my brand new 2xist briefs (pretty.) I decide to grab some TP and then do the 'dab' and 'drop' maneuver (dab captain winkie and the fellas and then drop the TP in the toilet.) Let's think about this for a minute (because in my heightened state of emergency at 35k feet - I did not). This is not normal TP, nor is this normal toilet water. They are designed to do what? Oh that's right, disintegrate upon mixing.

So there I was, starting my dab-n-drop plan when during the first dabing maneuver, the TP turned to a glue like mixture almost immediately. "Damit" I yell (not realizing the close proximity of the cackling crew). It was at this point I realized that I would need to migrate in to phase 2 of my clean up plan, that included utilizing the cardboard like paper towels.

Trying to stand up in an airplane lavatory is hard enough. Doing so in such a fashion to keep "the boys" over the "hot zone" so that if dripping shall occur, it won't spread is nearly impossible. I figure these paper towels are rather absorbent, so it won't take but one or two good moppings to get the blue slime and now glue from my genetalia. I go in for wipe number one. Its a success. Now I am face with another challenge, as my left hand is gripping the handicap hand rail to support myself and my right hand is holding the smurf mop rag. I can't throw it in the bowl, as that may cause "external leaks". I decide its got to go across the lavatory in the waste bin. For the first time every, the lavatory seemed large; too large for me to reach from one side to the other. Then, as if the airplane knew I needed help, it shuddered and violently rocked left (forward to me as my back was to the right side of the aircraft.) This oddly appropriate jolting allowed my ass to stay 'seated' and my right hand to end up perfectly in the waste bin. With this forceful deposit in the waste bin, came a rather large thunking noise as my fist actually slammed in to the bin door. I feel confident anyone within 5ft of my lavatory heard this as it really was loud.

(Bing) "The Captain has turned on the seat belt sign, please ensure your seat belts are fastened low and tight across your lap." "Perfect timing" I thought to myself. I had completed mopping attempt number one, I think I only needed one more. As I am right in the middle of mopping (and feeling much better about the process having been through it once already)..... "Everything okay in there?" A concerned female voice asked from the other side of the lavatory door. "Yeah, I'm fine." I replied, trying to maintain composure.

I successfully completed the second and last mopping effort. The boys were clean and ready for holstering. I stood up, reinstalled my 2xist undies (pretty) and fixed my shirt. I was ready to return to my seat. I washed my hands (thankfully uneventful) and exited my smurf liquid shooting closet o'doom.

What I wasn't thinking about was that a) there was a line of people waiting to step right up and be the next victim of the auto flush and b) the flight attendants may have been concerned from my "damit" and loud thud. The old man that was next in line looked at me as if his diaper was overflowing and his ass was chaffed by the ass-acid sitting in his drawers. I held the door for him and considered saying something like "watch out for the auto flush" then decided, it wasn't my position and he would eventually figure it out. If a fit, young strapping jock like myself had such problems in there, I can only imagine how bad the nearly bed-ridden geratric had it.

After the door closed, and the partially cenile old man was safely in the wash box, the purser asked me to step in to the galley. "Was there something wrong with the lavatory?" Immediately, in a commercial like fashion, I had a mental flashback of the prior 20 minutes of my life. I am not sure what the look on my face said, but as I think about what to tell her, she said again "oh, well nevermind. Just let me know if there is anything I need to know about." I nodded, with a smerk and said "okay."

I returned to my seat and started typing. (Sigh).

Final thought: Innovation is a great thing. Who ever thought of the automatic courtesy flush in an airplane lavatory was a genius. Whoever designed and aimed the blue flushing liquid needs to be hung (most likely a woman, or an asian man.)

Love ya!

~J

2 comments:

Momma said...

OMG,I can't remember the last time I have laughed this hard. Poor Papa Smurf and his blue balls.

I'm thinking it was not so much a toilet malfunction as a deterent installed to stop deviant behavior in airplane lavatories.

Well if nothing else at least that area finally got sanitized.

Ivey said...

Bless your heart. Actually, bless my heart. I got a vivid visual off that story. I laughed so hard my balls turned blue. (serious amount of laughter)