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Increase sperm production 500 percent???

A few months ago I finally broke down and got a spam blocker for my work email. It was getting ridiculous the amount of SPAM I was receiving. On occasion I will still get a SPAM email or two. Last week was the winner!

Subject: Increase sperm production 500%

SPUR-M Formula

Shoot five times your load and have longer more satisfying orgasms.

Complete satisfaction fully guaranteed by the industry leader - it is a money-
back guarantee that has never been needed by any of our million customers!

This is what the world's top porn stars use for their huge effects!

Ok....I'm sorry...did I read this correctly? "Shoot five times your load???" What the fuck??? I can understand the desire to have a longer and more satisfying orgasm, but to increase my load by 500 percent is just alarming and disgusting. I can't help visualize what this would look like.

I am proud to say that I have no idea what the average man shoots per ejaculation but I can't imagine it being much more than one tablespoon. So for sake of the rest of this topic....let's go with one tablespoon.

This means that after taking SPRU-M Formula...a man who shoots one tablespoon should increase his load size to 5 tablespoons. At first this didn't seem so disgusting to me...until I brought it up with a buddy of mine. He said and I quote..."how many tablespoons are in a stick of butter?" There are 8. Can you picture it??? Remove three table spoons and we've got 5 table spoons of ejaculate.

I will never look at a stick of butter the same.


2 Years and Going!!!!

Wow. It was two years ago today when I made the move from Nashville, TN to Chicago. And in celebration of my anniversary, the City of Chicago has gone crazy!!! People are driving up and down my street honking and screaming....and there is a helicopter that keeps flying overhead so closely that it is shaking the building I live in. There they go again with the honking.......SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!

Chicago has erupted as the White Sox won the World Series tonight...not only did they win....they swept the Astros. And the city is in my face. *Get out of my face! Get out of my face!* While I am very sad to see the Sox win...I'm SO thankful they are done so quickly. I could not imagine having to deal with the South Side for 3 more games. And if I had one more person tell me I needed to support the White Sox because I live in this city, I was going to tie a heavy brick to my leg and jump into Lake Michigan. Where in the MLB rule book does it say that you have to route for a team solely because they are from your city? NO WHERE!!!!! I don't remember any Sox Fans routing for the cubs when they were in the final game for the NL pennant. Nor do I ever expect or wish them to route for the Cubs in the future.

Minus the whole "Series" thing....today was a GREAT day. Hopefully Chi-town can handle me for another 2 years...


October 17th - SAY NO TO TWINKS DAY!

So it's been awhile since I last went to the gym. Ok, that's an understatement. It's been a long ass time since I went to the gym. I wasn't quite sure HOW long it was until two days ago when I finally forced myself to get back into the habit. So I walked to the "plex" and had to ask when I got to the counter...."Uhhh, could you tell me when was the last time I was here?" Bless her heart....she probably hears this once a day from pathetic slackers like me. She looked down at the computers and restrained from making a face....although I saw a quick flinch when she noticed the date. She then looked me in the eye and kinda stared....speechless. I said..."Oh God....it was April wasn't it?" And she responded positively "the 30th...that's almost May...the very end of April!!!" I was mortified....keep in mind I'm paying nearly 80 bucks a month for this "membership". i nearly threw up...the way I view it.....Saturday's visit to the gym cost me $395....and got me motivated to start living there again. Oh yeah....she had to issue me a new membership card as THEY'VE CHANGED!!!!! Ugh.

My $395 workout was SO not a good one. It was actually quite disappointing. I had been working out pretty regularly for a year and knew what I could lift....so I cut back on the weight for my return. And cut back some more.....and cut back some more.

I WAS MORTIFIED!!!!! i could barley lift the bar...I turned into a twink this past 5 months. I think I would have rather lost a limb.

So please mark your calendars.....I am please to announce that today is the first annual SAY NO TO TWINKS DAY! No worries....the U.S. Postal Service will run as scheduled.


Parallel Parking

I was going through old photos and came across this one. This spot was not really big enough....but we made it work. ;)


Oh the Places You'll Go!!!

Beginning in highschool I began keeping track of all the states I've been to on a dry-erase U.S. map. I somehow managed to lose the map in my move to Chicago. So...while sitting in the Philly airport, I decided to make an electronic U.S. map. As of October 15, 2005....I have been to 33 of the 50 U.S. States. Only 17 more to go!!!


Philadelphia Woody’s Take Second Place

So I’m sitting in the Philadelphia airport and I have a feeling I’m going to be here for a long time. After the fiasco with my trip here…I thought I’d show up to the airport extra early this time. Of course that means my flight is delayed…and they keep pushing it back. Apparently there is a thunderstorm in the SouthEast so the plane I’m waiting for is stuck in Orlando until further notice. They are now estimating 735pm. Which means it will be sometime after 8. Ugh.

So we showed up for the softball tournament in Washington D.C. and so did Tropical Storm Tammy… “Tammy, you’re such a bitch!” It rained and rained and rained from the moment we got there. And I’m not talking sprinkled…it POURED. All games were cancelled on Saturday and we were pretty certain they’d be cancelled on Sunday as well. We went out on Friday until the wee hours of the morning and had a fantastic time. I somehow managed to cure my hangover pretty quickly which is a rarity. We spent the day on Saturday socializing, chillin’ to music, and playing cards in the hotel room. Eventually we got stir-crazy and made a trip to Virginia to go bowling. Good Times had by all. I found it very difficult to bowl without my shoes and bowling ball but managed to knock a few pins down. I bowled about 60 pins below average…..Frustrating.

On our way back to the bowling alley…as we drove throw the pouring rain….we found out that we were indeed going to be playing on Sunday morning starting at 8am. We were staying in downtown D.C. and had a 45 minute drive to the fields so it made for a VERY early morning. The worst part….the tournament rules had changed so that they could complete the two-day tournament in one day. This meant that we’d be playing “one-pictch softball”. This means that as a batter….when you step up to the plate you’ve got a full count and get one pitch. If it’s a strike, you’re out….if it’s a ball or you get a hit….you’re on base. No courtesy fouls….a foul ball and the batter is out. On top of these jacked up rules….each game had a time-limit of 30 minutes. WHAT!?!?!?!? How could this possibly fun? Playing ball in the mud with jacked up rules….it didn’t even sound like softball anymore.

Boy was I wrong….they must have dropped 75 semi trucks full of cat liter down on the fields because while they were muddy….they were not that bad. And the one-pitch thing was actually kind of fun. It made each game extremely intense and fast-paced. There wasn’t much time to think…..it was always go-go-go. And to top it off…we kept winning….we finally got beat by D.C. Coblt in the Winner’s Bracket Championship game. Actually slaughtered would be a better word. It was not pretty. This meant that they went on to the championship game of the tournament and we went to the championship game of the losers bracket. We ended up having to play a team from Atlanta that we had already faced earlier in the day and barely beat. We played them a little harder this time and won comfortably. We were not, however, as fortunate in the championship game. While we played great ball…we fell apart in the last inning and ended up in 2nd place.

Second Place out of 16 teams in our division. We were very happy!!! I look forward to my next trip with their team. They are an AMAZING group of guys! I am lucky to have them as friends.


The Not-So-Amazing Race

So it’s official. After this morning’s adventure…I have forbidden myself to EVER be considered a candidate for the Amazing Race.

Friday, October 7th, 2005
Depart MDW-PHL @ 7:45am

My alarm was set for 5:30am. I of course hit the snooze until the last minute and woke up close to 6am. I took a quick shower and was out the door at 6:10am. Plenty of time to still take the train. I board the Red line southbound and plan on transferring at Roosevelt to the Orange Line. For those of you who are not familiar with the El…the Orange Line takes you directly to Midway. That is of course…if you transfer to the Orange Line at Roosevelt and not the Green Line…which takes you way far into the South Side.

So back to my story…I’m standing on the platform waiting for the Orange Line to arrive wearing a Kelly Green polo shirt, my junk in the trunk Levi’s, my brown Steve Madden boots, and a Boston Red Sox Hat. Oh yeah….it’s 45 degrees. Why do I not grab my jacket on the way out the door? Because I’m stupid. So there I am freezing on the platform when the computerized lady voice chimes…”Orange Line, towards midway will be arriving in approximately one minute.” I finish sending my text messages as the train approaches and put my phone in my pocket. When I look up….there are two gargantuan (oh my god….gargantuan is really a word??? And I spelled it right? Wow!) German Shepard police dogs exiting the train I am about to enter. Please note: I have never been afraid of dogs in my life….until the Attack of Wanna-Be-Police Dog Junior. (WBPDJ…..that surprisingly looks a lot like WWJD….what would jesus do…oh fuck! Jesus…Junior…..Christ!!!) That’s a whole ‘nother blog entry.

So as I catch my breath, the doors to the train close and we start to move. It was in slow motion….as I noticed the SWA flight attendant still standing on the platform…I realized in was on the WRONG train. Yes….that’s right…I boarded the green line train headed southbound. Most trains stop every few blocks….but not this one….apparently there is nothing between Roosevelt and 35th st. So as I made my way to this stop I saw two green line trains headed North….which meant that the chances of another train coming quickly was not good at all. I remained on the platform for a few minutes as I scoped out the situation down below. I thought to myself….if I see a cab or two…I will head down to the street and hail a cab west bound to Midway.

Let’s fast forward 15 minutes…I have now called for a cab and am frantic to find a way to the airport. I am standing a block East of U.S. Cellular field wearing a Boston Red Sox cap. For those of you who are unfamiliar with White Sox fans….they are mean….hateful…..and dangerous. I’m not exaggerating. MEAN PEOPLE. Fortunately, I didn’t have any problems. Moments later a CTA bus drove by heading west….by now, I am fairly certain I am going to miss my flight but share my story with the bus driver…..who was FLYING through the streets trying to get me to the orange line in record time. He ran two red lights….not flat out ran but went through them WAY after they turned red. He was also honking at the people on the side of the street and having them walk into the street to board the bus….it was fabulous. I should have slipped him some cash but was more focused on catching my flight.

To wrap this up…..I arrived at the airport at 7:44am. One minute prior to my plane’s departure. I got put on the next flight and am now here in D.C. I arrived just in time to welcome Tropical Storm Tammy to the East Coast. We are supposed to start our softball tournament tomorrow at 10am. L I don’t think it’s going to happen. It’s raining VERY HARD and has been since we got here. It’s not supposed to stop raining until Monday.

So yeah…the Amazing Race and I….we’re not meant to be….it’ll be just Big Brother and I.


My least favorite brand....EVER!

So I had so much fun with the FedEx Kinko's logo that I thought I'd continue by creating a logo for my least favorite brand EVER!!! Let's talk about Nextel.

So the first time I heard of Nextel was when I "heard" Nextel. I was waiting tables at O'Charleys in Brentwood, TN...I remember hearing this annoying "beep beep" sound coming from a construction man's phone followed by a loud broadcast of his fellow co-worker's day-long itinerary. I must admit...I was intrigued by this technology and wanted to know more. As I paid attention I saw more and more people with these Walkie Talkie like phones. The kid in me was excited about the thought of being able to communicate with a cell phone like it was a childhood toy. However, since I did not have a Nextel phone...nor did any of my friends...the thought of actually owning one of these and being able to use it became unrealistic. I guess this was when I first felt a negative feeling towards the brand. It wasn't that I didn't like the brand....it was that I was jealous I didn't have it. Over time...I began to hear this "beep beep" more and more. And then one day...my BFF Jordan got one. No!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jordan used that thing more than I used my right hand. And with it being so in my face....I began to get more and more annoyed by it's loudness and obtrusiveness. The simple "beep-beep" alone made my skin crawl. Especially after I went to look at phones and pricing plans. They were ridiculously overpriced. There was no way in hell I was going to pay that much more for a cell phone just so I could use the walkie talkie feature. Well...at least that's what I thought. Nextel did a great job of making me recognize every tone and beep it's phones made. Smart move guys. Any one of you reading this that has at one point in your life had a Nextel phone knows exactly what I am talking about. They have like 10 rings they use that are signature nextel rings. Let's say you are in a bar and you're a Nextel customer. If a Nextel phone starts to ring or "beep beep" across the bar...chances are...every Nextel subscriber will reach for their phone. Pay attention. It's sick.

So yeah...i bent over and let Nextel pound me in the ass with no lube. FOR TWO YEARS!!!! Not only did I pay a ridiculous cost to get my phone, and service plan....i agreed to two full years of service. THOSE BASTARDS!!!! While I was getting ripped off....the service worked great....in Nashville. But upon my move to Chicago the hatred for Nextel multiplied by about forty-five million times! I could not get a signal in my house and I dropped on average about 10 calls per day. IT WAS SO ANNOYING!!! It got so ridiculous that I had friends begging me to switch carriers. When I brought this up to Nextel customer service on a weekly basis....they apologized and informed me that it is impossible to have 100% coverage in all parts of the city. They also pulled up some bull-shit statistical information on how I actually dropped only 2 % of my phone calls and that I get way better service than other cell phone carriers would provide me. This only fueled my fire. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw things. In fact...I don't even want to write anymore....I am going to go find something to break.