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The Not-So-Amazing Race

So it’s official. After this morning’s adventure…I have forbidden myself to EVER be considered a candidate for the Amazing Race.

Friday, October 7th, 2005
Depart MDW-PHL @ 7:45am

My alarm was set for 5:30am. I of course hit the snooze until the last minute and woke up close to 6am. I took a quick shower and was out the door at 6:10am. Plenty of time to still take the train. I board the Red line southbound and plan on transferring at Roosevelt to the Orange Line. For those of you who are not familiar with the El…the Orange Line takes you directly to Midway. That is of course…if you transfer to the Orange Line at Roosevelt and not the Green Line…which takes you way far into the South Side.

So back to my story…I’m standing on the platform waiting for the Orange Line to arrive wearing a Kelly Green polo shirt, my junk in the trunk Levi’s, my brown Steve Madden boots, and a Boston Red Sox Hat. Oh yeah….it’s 45 degrees. Why do I not grab my jacket on the way out the door? Because I’m stupid. So there I am freezing on the platform when the computerized lady voice chimes…”Orange Line, towards midway will be arriving in approximately one minute.” I finish sending my text messages as the train approaches and put my phone in my pocket. When I look up….there are two gargantuan (oh my god….gargantuan is really a word??? And I spelled it right? Wow!) German Shepard police dogs exiting the train I am about to enter. Please note: I have never been afraid of dogs in my life….until the Attack of Wanna-Be-Police Dog Junior. (WBPDJ…..that surprisingly looks a lot like WWJD….what would jesus do…oh fuck! Jesus…Junior…..Christ!!!) That’s a whole ‘nother blog entry.

So as I catch my breath, the doors to the train close and we start to move. It was in slow motion….as I noticed the SWA flight attendant still standing on the platform…I realized in was on the WRONG train. Yes….that’s right…I boarded the green line train headed southbound. Most trains stop every few blocks….but not this one….apparently there is nothing between Roosevelt and 35th st. So as I made my way to this stop I saw two green line trains headed North….which meant that the chances of another train coming quickly was not good at all. I remained on the platform for a few minutes as I scoped out the situation down below. I thought to myself….if I see a cab or two…I will head down to the street and hail a cab west bound to Midway.

Let’s fast forward 15 minutes…I have now called for a cab and am frantic to find a way to the airport. I am standing a block East of U.S. Cellular field wearing a Boston Red Sox cap. For those of you who are unfamiliar with White Sox fans….they are mean….hateful…..and dangerous. I’m not exaggerating. MEAN PEOPLE. Fortunately, I didn’t have any problems. Moments later a CTA bus drove by heading west….by now, I am fairly certain I am going to miss my flight but share my story with the bus driver…..who was FLYING through the streets trying to get me to the orange line in record time. He ran two red lights….not flat out ran but went through them WAY after they turned red. He was also honking at the people on the side of the street and having them walk into the street to board the bus….it was fabulous. I should have slipped him some cash but was more focused on catching my flight.

To wrap this up…..I arrived at the airport at 7:44am. One minute prior to my plane’s departure. I got put on the next flight and am now here in D.C. I arrived just in time to welcome Tropical Storm Tammy to the East Coast. We are supposed to start our softball tournament tomorrow at 10am. L I don’t think it’s going to happen. It’s raining VERY HARD and has been since we got here. It’s not supposed to stop raining until Monday.

So yeah…the Amazing Race and I….we’re not meant to be….it’ll be just Big Brother and I.


NoteWorthyIMs said...

I'd say that's too real for the Amazing Race. But, if you want it that bad.. it's granted.

Jordan said...

Haven’t I taught you any better? Lets look at this story from someone else’s point of view.

Poor Paco... Drives a fucken CTA bus to support his three wives, 5 UC sons (Dominco, Marten, Juanito, Jose-Gonzales and Jesus) and two fat-hick girlfriends Margaret-Jo and Billie-may. He's just driving along in the 45degree weather when he spots this poor queen doing spirit fingers and toe-touches on the side of the road trying to flag him down, dressed in a Kelly Green polo shirt, 'junk in the trunk' Levi’s, brown Steve Madden boots, and a Boston Red Sox Hat - in the middle of White Socks Central. Paco’s first thought is “Is that Jose-Gonzales?” He quickly realized that Jose-Gonzales did not have NEARLY that much junk in his trunk, so he pulled over to pick him up. Then the shit REALLY hit the fan.

Paco was driving his CTA bus on a suspended license, he’d had 14 prior accidents (all for running red lights) and 3 tickets (all for improper utilization of a noise making device – aka too much horn honking). When Paco was told “Get me to the mutha’ fucking airport as fast as this mutha fucken bean mobile can go…” he knew exactly what this meant – Billie-may was going to get the sizzler lobster dinner that he promised her for their day 6 anniversary…as long as this queen reciprocated.

Two additional red lights later and numerous horn honking exercises, the CTA bus is flying through the orange line like tadpoles down the Hershey highway. Finally it comes to screeching hault, and before Paco could say “have a nice day sir” the Queen he had just picked up flew right out the door leaving him only with a “Thanks Honey, your fabulous.”

There Paco sat, with a bus full of 10 passengers that should have been dropped off 13 miles ago, just to get a Queen to the airport, and he was left with only gay slang. He sat there quietly soaking in what had just happened, as he gazed at his empty Krispy Cream styrofoam coffee cup attached to the dash that read “Tips R Apprhesheateit”. He couldn’t buy Billie-may sizzler lobster dinner now and he was devastated.

The next mornings Chicago Tribune had the following news article: “Freak Bus Accident: Orange Line # 49 plunges off the Michigan Ave Bridge. No apparent survivors; driver and 10 passengers all believed dead. Authorities suspect the driver committed suicide over lack of tip from flaming and demanding queen passenger chanting something about a German-Shepard dog named Junior eating his ass. The driver is survived by a family of 8……….”